Being fully present for your child is a must if you want to have a good bond with your child. Children want your uninterrupted presence more than your presents.
Recently I overheard two 10-year-olds talking to each other. One was teasing his other for not having a tablet to watch videos and play games on. In reply what this 10-year-old said shook me, ” My parents didn’t get me a tablet as they have time to spend with me, unlike your parents.” We always say that the kids have changed these days and are more with their gadgets and friends than with us. Here the point is we have changed and we introduce our kids to the gadgets as we ourselves are busy with ours.
We should not blame the kids, but correct ourselves first. Don’t introduce it to your child early in life and they would not even be bothered if you were fully present for them.
Here are 5 very simple and useful tips to be fully present for your child.
Be Fully Present for Your Child
a. Set Aside A Dedicated Time For Your Kids
Schedule daily one-on-one time with your child, the more, the better. Avoid using screens when you are there with your child.
The 3 most important times of the day for a child are:
I. When the child wakes up in the morning
II. When the child comes back from school
III. When the child is off to sleep in the night
Make sure you are fully present for your child’s most important times of the day, as it means the world to them.
Recently when I dropped off my child at school, (kindergarten) I observed many parents wouldn’t even leave their cars to say goodbye to their children. They will park the car as near the gate as close as possible and just ask the child to get out of the car and enter the gate. Or many parents will just help the kids cross the road and then leave them on their own. The child will be standing there waving at the parent and the parent would have already left.
Making your child independent is one thing and being there for the child is another. When you drop off your child you need to see if the child has entered safely or not, if the child is saying goodbye, or does the child wants to say anything to you as he or she might be feeling overwhelmed, or has he or she just left happily holding a friends hand.
All this matters. This helps you create a stronger bond with your child. You will realise this once the child has grown up. He/She will treat you the same way, you have been treating them in their childhood. If you are fully present for your child, your child will be present for you.
b. Put Away Devices
Turn off phones, TVs, and other distractions during playtime, meals, or conversations to give them your undivided attention. Screens are a big hindrance when you want to bond with someone or spend quality time.
We have often seen parents saying that their children are always on the phone, tablet or TV. The question here is where did they learn it from?
I agree that in families like ours where grandparents like to watch TV it is very natural for children to join them. To address this we can fix the time for the grandparents and meanwhile, keep the child engaged in other activities. The child could participate in sports, arts and crafts etc. You can even dedicate that time as the child’s study time, or they can spend that time with us the parents. It is a little difficult to manage but if both the parents as well as the grandparents co-operate it can be achievable.
c. Practice Active Listening
Maintain eye contact, nod, and respond thoughtfully when your child speaks. Show them you genuinely care about what they’re saying.
Many times we are so busy with our work that we forget to respond back to our kids. Or your child might be calling you but you are not listening to him or her and eventually, there comes a gap between the two of you. This gap is dangerous.
When you are there with your child ensure you are solely with them. No work and no devices. Listen to every word they say as all of it matters to them. Sometimes you might be busy and can not listen to your child at that moment. For a second, just stop and politely tell the child that you are busy then, but you will get back to them. And as soon as you are free, immediately go sit with your child and listen to all that they have to say, without any distractions. Be fully present for them.
If you routinely spend quality time with your child, your child will understand that you are genuinely busy and will give you space.
d. Engage in Their World
Participate in their favourite activities, whether drawing, building blocks or playing pretend. Let them lead the way. You have to be a child to spend quality time with your child.
My husband and I both paint with our daughter, do arts and crafts activities, play cards and board games, go to parks, play pretend and much more. It is important for the child’s growth. They have their small world and want us to be there with them. It might not be what you want to do being an adult but sometimes you have to and you should.
My daughter who is now 6 years old is very creative because of the above reasons. We used to let her draw and paint whatever she wished. Yes! we would pour in our suggestions to guide her and help her learn, but never forced her to do it our way. Let them explore and learn. you would be amazed to see the way their imagination grows.
e. Be Emotionally Available
Notice and respond to their emotions without judgment. Let them know you’re there not just physically but emotionally too.
Emotional support from parents is all a child needs to be strong and self-confident. No emotion is a wrong emotion. A boy can cry and a girl can be angry. Tell them you are there to listen to whatever they feel. Don’t be prompt at giving solutions. Understand what they want from you. They might just need a shoulder to cry on. Be there.
Never judge them for how they feel. Things are new to them and they are bound to behave differently often. And that is okay. Support them, be there for them, and listen to whatever they have to say.
Being present isn’t just about spending time but about making that time meaningful and impactful. If you are there for your child trust me you are raising an emotionally strong child who knows the value of being with the family. Also, if you are there for the child in the child’s childhood he or she will be there for you when you are old. Being fully present for your child is the most precious gift you can ever give your child.
