Good Touch Bad Touch !

The moment we leave our kid’s side, we are worried.

We are worried all the time about what this world is going to do to them. For being prepared for the world, we need to start preparing them from now. They should know what to do if they feel something is wrong. They should be prepared for the situation.

But to be prepared, first we need to identify the situation. To identify the situation we as parents are responsible for teaching them the wrong and the right, the appropriate and the in appropriate, the good and the bad.

The Good Touch and the Bad Touch!!

What is Touch?

A touch is an act of touching someone or something.

Most of the kids are familiar with the meaning of touch by the time they turn 2-3 years of age.

But they still do not understand what is a good touch and what is a bad one.

It is crucial to understand why is it important to tell them about the good touch and the bad touch. Due to the rising sexual abuse among children, no matter if it is a girl or a boy, it has become the parent’s duty to tell them what exactly is a bad touch, how they can identify it and when and how they need to react to it.

What is a good touch?

A good touch is a safe touch.

It is a touch that makes you feel pleasant and good. It makes the child or anyone feel loved, and happy and get a sense of security.

Examples of Good Touch

1. Mother or father hugging the child
2. A grandparent kissing the child
3. Friends holding hands
4. Giving a high five to a friend
5. A teacher giving a pat on your head when you do something good
6. A doctor examining you in front of your parents

What is a bad touch?

A bad touch is an unsafe touch.

It is a touch that makes you feel uncomfortable and unpleasant. You want the other person to stop right away.

Examples of Bad Touch

1. When someone touches your chest, buttocks or in between the legs (private parts)
2. When someone asks you to touch their chest, buttocks or private parts
3. When someone tries to kiss you forcefully on the mouth
4. When someone hits, spanks or pushes you
5. If someone touches you and asks you to keep a secret
6. When someone touches you even after you said “NO”

How do we educate the child on the good touch and the bad touch?

The child should know from an early age what is a good touch and what is a bad touch. Before sending the child to kindergarten the child should know, and should know what to do when he or she doesn’t feel good or pleasant about someone touching them.

So, here is what we need to do to help our children understand.

1. Start early and keep it simple

Do not make it a big deal. Start when the child is approximately 2 years old and can understand a few things. The child doesn’t need to understand everything in the first time.

The bath time is the best time to explain it to your child. I started explaining what a bad touch is to my daughter in a very simple way without making it a big deal. We started when she was two. She took it as a part of normal conversation. It was a routine thing for us. And at the age of three if she doesn’t want anyone to touch her (even though with good intentions and in our presence) she just says “NO” very firmly.

So, teaching about appropriate touching should not be scary or difficult. It should be a comfortable conversation.

2. Let the child be the owner of his or her own body

Teach your child to be the “Boss of their own body.”

Let your child take charge of their own body. Tell them that if they do not want to get hugs and kisses even from any family member it is completely okay. Tell them to say “No” whenever they feel uncomfortable when someone is touching them. Also, tell them not to touch their siblings or friends when they ask or say “no” and don’t want to be touched.

They should know that everyone has the right to their bodies and should never be forced to do something that they are not willing to do.

3. Teach the child about the private parts

Never hesitate to tell your child what the private parts are, as these are the parts most of the time involved in bad touch.

You can use the SWIMSUIT RULE to help them understand. All the body parts that are covered in a swimsuit are the private parts and no one can touch your private parts without your permission.

1. Chest: The chest is the part covered by a swimsuit and a child should know that they should never allow anyone to touch them there.
2. Buttocks: The buttocks are covered by the swimsuit and no one other than the parents can touch you there and that too only while cleaning.
3. In between the legs: Again this area is covered by the swimsuit and no one except a parent can touch you there only to clean.

The child should be very clear that these places are owned only by the child and no one else. Only the parents or the doctor under the supervision of a parent is allowed to touch them. If anyone else touches these places the child should immediately go and tell an adult that they trust.

Though the private parts are the most vulnerable places, the child should be taught that any touch anywhere in the body if felt uncomfortable or uneasy should be immediately denied and should be told to an adult the child trusts. A sexual abuser most of the time never touches the private parts directly. They first make a repo with the child, gain the trust and then start the abuse, which then becomes very confusing for the child. So, they should be taught to stop it early.

4. Never force affections

I have never forced my child to hug or kiss someone if she is not willing to. Never force affection. Let the child decide what makes him or her comfortable. Forcing a child will make them confused about the good and the bad touch. They will find it difficult to distinguish when it comes to deciding if they feel uncomfortable or if they are not allowed to feel uncomfortable as they are supposed to do this. So, never force a child to hug anyone or get a hug from someone they don’t feel comfortable with.

5. Help them to learn how to say NO

Teach them to say “No”. “No” is a very powerful word, and ideally a person should never touch you once you say “No”. Tell them to say “NO” very firmly and loudly so that the person becomes conscious of the surroundings and asks them to scream and run away to a safe place like to a parent or a teacher, and should never be alone in future with that person.

6. Teach them what a good touch is

They should be able to distinguish between a good touch and a bad touch so that there is no confusion and the child can differentiate easily.

Tell them that a doctor touching them even when sometimes they feel uncomfortable in the presence of the parents is required and is not a bad touch.

Tell them a gentle touch on their thigh by their teacher can be a bad touch if they feel uncomfortable with that. Tell them to trust their instincts and immediately talk to you about it so that you can help them get clarity as you are an adult.

7. Tell them not to accept anything from a stranger or go with any stranger ever

They should understand that they should not take anything from a stranger, even if it is their favourite ice cream or chocolate. Tell them that they should not go anywhere with any stranger even if they say you have sent them to pick them up. Try to always be on time whenever you have to pick up the child from school, classes, a birthday party or any place that the child has been to.

Create a special bond with your child from the beginning so that the child trusts you and tells you everything in detail.

8. Tell them not to hide anything from you especially when told to do so

When someone has a bad intention he or she will scare the child and tell them not to report it to anyone. They might scare the child in different ways by telling them that they might harm them or their family or friends. Tell the child that, this is when they should immediately report it to an adult they trust and should not hide it at all.

Assure the child that you trust them and not the other person. Tell them that they did not do anything wrong. The child should be able to trust you to tell you everything. So, bonding is important, and it starts right at birth.

9. Read books or show them videos

There are really good books available that you can read with your child and explain things to them. Also, YouTube has some amazing videos available in almost all the languages and you can show the videos to your child, in whichever language he or she is most comfortable in.

Here are few video links that might help:

1. Komal (made by a NGO)
2. A very simple and detailed video on good touch bad touch by a hindi TV series
3. Safe touch song
4. Good touch bad touch well explained in Satyamev Jayte
5. A Malayalam Short film on child abuse awareness

Here are a few links for the books that might help:

I said “NO” A kid-to-kid guide to keeping private parts private

It’s my body: A book to teach young children how to resist uncomfortable touch

It’s my body: A book about body privacy

My body! What I say goes!

Adi and Anku learn to stay safe

10. Make them believe that it was not their mistake

Most of the time the predator makes the child believe that somehow it was the child’s mistake, and the innocent child believes it. Make them understand that it is not their mistake at all and they are not at fault for whatever has happened. This will again help in building trust and giving confidence to the child.

My Safe Circle

A safe circle is an imaginary circle created for the child which will include all those people the child can trust.

The child can ask or tell anything to the people in the safe circle. E.g. the people in a child’s safe circle can be the parents and the grandparents. You can help your child decide who he or she would trust the most and would want to include in the safe circle.

What should a parent be aware of?

Even after teaching your child about good touch and bad touch, it is still a parent’s responsibility to take care of certain things,

1. Ask the child about his or her day, and if you feel something is wrong, address it immediately
2. Keep notice of the adults your child is spending time with, whether the person is trying to touch the child deliberately
3. Does your child feel uncomfortable especially around someone in particular
4. Is someone trying to give your child gifts routinely and without there being an occasion?

Remember, in most cases, the person who abuses the child is either a close friend or a relative. So, trust your child when the child comes to you and tells you that a specific aunty or uncle behaved weirdly with them, and try not to leave the child alone with that particular person ever.

We should try and make sure that our children are trained in self-defence as soon as we can, as this will help in gaining some confidence and knowledge about how to deal with the adults who can sometimes force them and are much bigger and heavier than them. The self-defense will teach them how to tackle such situations.

Sexual abuse is as common among boys as it is among girls. So if a boy child comes to the parents and complains of a bad touch, it should be taken seriously and not ignored.

Early warning signs the kid should know?

The body itself responds to unpleasant and stressful situations, and the child should be taught to identify it.

1. Sweaty palms or forehead
2. Palpitations
3. Goosebumps
4. The feeling of sickness in the stomach
5. Shaky legs
6. Feels like crying or running away

So, once explained to the child, the child will start to identify the responses from the body and react in the same way.

Read: 25 Popular Nursery Rhymes for Kids with Lyrics

To conclude, It is very important to teach our children about the good touch and bad touch, as we can not always be there around them to protect them from every situation. They should be self sufficient to deal with the emergency and then report to the most trustworthy person in their safe circle. And as their parent, it is our duty to understand them, trust them and take action so that they do not get the wrong image that the person who did wrong to them just got away with it without consequences.
So, we need to make our children strong, self dependent and more conscious to deal with any kind of situation that comes their way.

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